The Best Karaoke Night of My Life (original post 2.25.08)

I had what one could call by far the best karaoke experience of my life. I know I'm only 26, but I believe that few could top this.

So I was at the Elks Club in Dearborn. Yes, I said Elks Club. For any of you who don't know what the Elks Club is and have seen the Flintstones it's like the Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes Lodge. If you don't know what the Water Buffalos are, too bad. Just keep reading; it's still funny.

I walk in and my friends Ve and Wendee are late so it's basically me, the bar tender and the karaoke guy. Finally my friends arrive and as I'm watching other people show up I realize they have something in common: they all have the potential to be my grandparents.

So we grab a drink (I should have had an alcoholic beverage) and start to look through the books for some good tunes. The first singer is a man who is (and I'm seriously not exaggerating) 78 years old. He gets up there and belts out "New York, New York", successfully completing the song without his Polydent losing it's grip.

Another elderly man, if you will, gets up to the stage and pulls out his harmonica to play a little jig for us. I'm telling you I haven't heard harmonica like this since...okay I've never heard harmonica like this because I'm not 84 years old.

Ve, Wendee and I sing a few warm-up songs and the total number of people actually singing karaoke is six (tops) so we are singing practically every other song.

Then my favorite act of the night comes to the stage.

You have to get the visual in your head. This woman looks about 60-something (even though Ve claimed she was in her early 50's) and got dressed up for karaoke night at the Elks. I put 'dressed up' in italics for a reason. This woman has a red velour shirt tucked into a (sit down for this one) leather mini-skirt which accentuates her well-equipped fupa. A fupa for you out there who don't know is the pouch under a woman's belly button. Your grandma probably has a nice one.

So this woman gets up to sing and already I'm excited for the potential of this karaoke number. Well, let me tell you she exceeded my expectations to say the least. She gets up there to sing "Hey Big Spender" and tears it up. Between being unrecognizably off key and practically performing a strip tease next to the prompter I was blown away. I'm poking Ve to look because she for some reason thinks it's important to continue to look for a song to sing with this incredible show going on.

So here comes my favorite moment of her presentation: she chooses one of the men and dances near them to sexually taunt him, right? He responds with a howl. Yes, I said a howl. A full on head-tilt-back, face-towards-the-moon howl.

At this point I am jabbing Ve so hard I think she might bruise but I know she'll thank me later and disregard the injuries for bringing her attention to this magnificent sight.

When Sex Kitten's song is over, I realize it will be a long time (if ever) before I have an experience like this one again. Looks like I'll for sure be going to the next karaoke night at the Elks. And I'll bring my grandma.